Covidisms: Thoughts on Death

I did something last evening that I have never done before. I wrote a serious and heartfelt email to the New York Times and those who make the podcast The Daily, one of my favorite ways to start each day. This podcast has a way of finding and telling stories that get to the heart of what we are all experiencing in the midst of our lives, especially in these days of pandemic and racial strife and economic crisis. There have been many episodes of The Daily that have been poignant, thought provoking and moving, but two of the most recent ones from this past week hit me hard. I would like to share the end of the email that I wrote before I go further with this post:

The episode revisiting the situation in Bergamo, Italy, through the wise, thoughtful and emotional perspective of Dr. Fabiano Di Marco hit home. I lived in Italy for two years as a teen and my wife and I had planned a trip back to Rome and Florence in April, my first trip back to the country in fifty years. Of course, it did not happen. I felt a deep sense of sadness for the Italian people and the medical staff members who are trying to serve in the face of this pandemic.

Today’s episode about the grief felt by little Tilly for her grandfather hit me even harder. I am a grandfather of six kids, five in Chattanooga and one in Denver. I have not been able to see them for what feels like years, except by FaceTime calls. We are planning a driving trip out to Denver and back in late September, because I am not excited about getting back on planes, but we need to reconnect with our family and friends in other parts of the country. Hearing Tilly talk about her grandfather, coupled with the recent losses of one of our long time mental health center employees and another counselor whose clinic I used to consult with, made me very much aware that I could be that grandfather or that employee who contracts this virus and does not make it through the ordeal.

Your stories are powerful. For someone like me, who tries very hard to deal with the emotions by blogging, journaling, taking long hard bike rides or keeping up with the political craziness all around us, they force us to stop, to listen, and most of all, to feel. Ironic, isn’t it, that a psychiatrist would have a hard time feeling. Of course, the feelings are there, and when they are released by storytelling  and powerful emotions that you bring to life, the intensity of it all is almost too much to bear. It is so necessary though, and I know that full well.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for getting the information out there, for telling the stories in such compelling ways, and for making us think, process, and feel. Yours is one of the first podcasts I listen to every day, and the ideas that come from it are some of the last ones I think about when I go to sleep at night. I appreciate what each one of you do. Please keep up the excellent work, knowing that we hear it, and we need it.

I wanted to express my thanks to the makers of this show because they provide a way for me to stay in touch with some very profound feelings during this time that I had simply rather not have. I feel frustration, I feel anger, I feel loss and grief, I feel elation, I feel dullness and boredom, I feel indignation, I feel sorrow, I feel pity, and I feel fear.

As I have mentioned in blog posts earlier this year and in followups afterwards, I will be sixty three years old on October 24th this year, God willing. At that point, I will have lived longer than my father, who died suddenly at age sixty two of a devastating brain aneurysm and cranial bleed. I never had much doubt that I would easily reach that point and that age, given the fact that I try to eat right, I exercise, I am trying to keep my weight and blood sugar and cholesterol and blood pressure down. All the right things that one must do to live a long life, barring catastrophe. I have been holding my figurative breath all the same, knowing that when I reach that milestone I will have a good cry, say a few words of thanks to my dad that I hope he can hear and go about the task of living productively until my sixty fourth birthday.

All of that held true until March of this year. Until the coronavirus upended all our lives, changed our daily routines, changed how and where we work, who we see, how we eat, how we travel, how we worship and how we connect with others. I have done what you have done, tried my best to make good decisions, protect myself and my wife from harm, continued my work to care for my patients the best I can given the circumstances, and kept my cool, for the most part. We have personally been so very blessedly insulated from the ravages of this plague. As far as I know, no one in my family has contracted this virus, no one I work with has had it, and only a few of my patients have, most of them doing well in spite of having the illness.

In the last couple of months, one of our long term mental health center employees, someone who was there when I started working in the center almost twenty nine years ago, contracted the virus and died. He left behind a wife and young son. A pharmacist friend of mine, who visited our offices every month to inspect our medication areas before her retirement, has just been released after a ten day stay with COVID-19. A counselor who once had a family clinic that I did medical consultation with in the early nineties recently contracted the virus, got very ill very fast, refused to be placed on a ventilator, and died quickly of COVID-19. The disease is starting to hit home.

I grieve these losses and setbacks for various reasons. I feel so badly for the families and loved ones of those who pass on. I rejoice over the victories of those who get infected but make it, all the while fretting over what long term consequences they may have to endure. I am sad that when someone like my counselor friend dies, not only because her life was most likely cut significantly short due to this illness, but because her death reminds me starkly that mine is coming too. She and I shared a slice of time, a set of circumstances, a place to talk and work, and a shared cause of promoting good mental health for the people we treated almost three decades ago. I sincerely hope that the work we have done together and that I continue to do goes on, but I am made painfully aware that we will not. We will end.

I do not fear death so much as I am not ready for it. Like everyone else, I am sure in my own feeble mind that this illness, this worst illness of its kind in the last hundred years, is not going to be the way that I will leave this life. It is not aiming for me. I will live a long life and become a grump old man who still likes to read and write and fish and take pictures and take walks by the river. Or will I? The uncertainty of these times is the biggest stress of all.

In watching this pandemic and how it is affecting all of us, I am reminded of a few basic things that we must attend to each and every day, as if it was going to be our last. Things that tend to shine through and demand our attention when someone dies and passes on, leaving their legacies.

  1. Relationships are important. Make them. Enjoy them. Nurture them. Attend to them. Water them like flowers in your summer garden and watch them bloom and dazzle with bright color.
  2. Find something that you are passionate about, and throw yourself at it with fury. Write. Paint. Play music. Heal. Preach. Teach. Mentor. Parent.
  3. Put others above yourself. Whether this viral illness is your ticket off this planet or something else gets you down the road, you will inevitably leave others behind. They, like little Tilly on The Daily podcast, will remember you. They will remember what you said, what you did, what you taught them, but most importantly, how you made them feel.
  4. As the recently departed John Lewis of Georgia said, get into trouble. Get into good trouble. Do the right thing because it IS the right thing. Do not waiver in your resolve to do this, because it is important.
  5. Know above all else that your reason for being here on this earth is not to glorify yourself, embellish yourself, surround yourself with riches and accolades and awards, and make yourself the center of the universe. (You are most assuredly not.) Your mission, your assignment, your reason for being is to do all you can, everything you can, in every way you can, with everything you have at your disposal, to make the lives of those around you, those less fortunate, those who are downtrodden and oppressed and neglected and forgotten, those who the world despises, BETTER. You have the power and the obligation to do that. If you do, if you truly do, then at the appointed hour you can meet death, smile, close your eyes and know that your time here has been well spent.

Stay safe, do the right thing, and live long, friends.

Surprise and Delight

 

I recently had a surprise when biting down on some soft, supposedly non threatening morsel of food.

A tooth cracked. A major tooth. You know, one of those that you’d like to keep around in your head for a few more years. Sort of like a wonderful idea.

So I grab my phone and call my dentist, who has always been more than responsive in situations like this. My anticipation about how this whole scenario would go?

I would call. They would be booked for weeks if not months. (He’s a very good dentist. The most fantastic dentist with a HUGE practice. Believe me.) They would get me in on a standby basis, sort of like when I fly now. I would get a seat in his office, be surprised at how much leg room I actually had, but then there was always the negative, right? They would poke me with a needle, make my face droop and cause me to repeatedly bite my lip for six hours after the appointment, and charge me an arm and a leg. So much for the need for leg room, since I would be short a leg from then on.

Nothing is guaranteed in life. Yes, you may quote me on that as long as you give the proper attribution. Don’t you pull a Melania on me…

Well, the first surprise came right away. They could rearrange their schedule for me and get me in that afternoon. Like right away. Very little waiting with a cracked tooth in my head. This was great news. Not entirely unexpected, since my dentist is the GREATEST dentist EVER, the most FANTASTIC dentist, I can assure you.

So, you know how this goes. I already knew that since the entire cusp of the tooth had broken off ( I was holding it in the hand attached to the arm that I would NOT  let them take in payment for this procedure, my right arm, which I needed, of course, since I am right-handed.) that I would most likely need a crown. It’s good to be king, after all, isn’t it? That would mean that this first appointment would be for evaluation and measurements and all that jazz, and that I would most likely have to come back at least two more times to get the whole thing fixed and back to semi-normal. (#sad) This, you see, was not my first dental rodeo. I had ridden this pneumatic chair named Foo Man Choo and stayed on for, well, maybe three hours before.

So, to recap (you see what I did there), broken tooth, FANTASTIC response from my dentist’s office, semi-emergent appointment on the same day as my call, anticipated amputations of at least one arm and one leg in payment for what would most likely be a beautiful porcelain tooth that no one would ever see but that would allow me to eat almonds again. (#ilovealmonds). My expectations were fairly mainstream and clear.

Now, I get to the office and I am told (GASP) that they have further arranged the dentist’s schedule (did I mention to you how truly FANTASTIC this guy is? Truly great, the best dentist ever, believe me, the absolute best.) so that they will be able to do the entire repair of my cuspless molar in one appointment.

Excuse me?

One appointment? Like same day service on a flat tire? Like a one hour photo store back when people knew what real photos were? How can this be? What parallel dental universe am I operating in here? By the way, the answer is 42.

How could they do this?

#TECHNOLOGY

New technology. COOL technology.

Now, some of you may already be aware of the existence of this new machine that my dentist and his assistants used to patch me up like the Six Million Dollar Man. I was not, but when it was wheeled in and I was allowed to watch in real-time as the assistant called for volunteers from the audience (Pick me! Pick me! She did.) and then did a real time mapping of the contours of my mouth and teeth, and then made a crown from that measurement and fired it up and hardened it and fitted it in my mouth and had me out the door in about two hours TOTAL? OMG, I could not believe it.

I was surprised and delighted and hopped about on my one leg, dancing and waving my remaining right arm and feeling like I was the happiest one-armed, one-legged man in the whole wide world.

Well, I exaggerate. They only had to take the arm. They left the leg. That is good, because after that appointment I could, once again,walk and chew gum at the same time.

How often in today’s world are we truly surprised and delighted?

Can you remember the last time someone, some store, some government agency (wait, wait, scratch that-I lost my head for a moment there) surprised you by going above and beyond what was expected of them?

Can you remember the last time you were truly delighted, amazed, or made speechless by the sheer joy that accompanies a product, service, or personal contact that surpasses your wildest dreams?

How can you, how can I, surprise and delight someone today? How can we foster that feeling in someone by doing something unexpected, saying something truly and sincerely uplifting, or giving of ourselves in ways that no one (including us) ever thought we could?

Go out and surprise and delight someone today.

If you do, that someone might even be you.

‘Tis the Season

“Mom, will it ever get here? It seems like it takes months and months for it to get here!”

“Yes, dear, the day will come soon enough. I know you’re very excited. Color another picture for me maybe? Use lots of bright colors. Okay?”

“Yes, ma’am. I can’t wait, Mom. It’s my favorite day of the year.”

……

“Does this one look okay, Dad? I want to make sure I have something nice to give her, you know? I mean, she does so much for us every day. She never rests, does she?”

“Hardly. She’s always loved giving to people, Sport, you know that.”

“Then this has to be perfect for her. Do you like the foil inside or just the silver seal on the outside?”

“Why not both? She’d like that.”

“Awesome!”

…..

“Oh, come on, Mom, just one! Can’t we open just one tonight? It won’t hurt nothin’!”

“Anything. It won’t hurt anything. Grammar, young lady.”

“Just one little one, Dad, please?”

“Your mother has spoken, guys. Besides, we haven’t had the first mouthful of turkey yet. You can wait until tomorrow morning, I’m sure. Now, come get your supper.”

…..

(First light)

“Shhh. Quiet!”

“What time is it?”

“Zero dark thirty, kid. Too early for parents to wake up without a severe attack of the pre-coffee grumpies. Quiet!”

“Look! A stack for you and a stack for me. There! On the coffee table. Cool!”

“Mom’s got the biggest stack. Look. There’s my silver foil one, right on top.”

“We’d better start making a little noise in the kitchen or they’ll never wake up.”

“Cmon!”

…..

“And here’s the next one for you, Mom. Very pretty! Fancy writing on the outside.”

“Oh, how sweet. It’s from Mrs. Jones next door. Thank you so very much for the casseroles you made and placed in my freezer after my surgery. Here it is November, and I haven’t even eaten them all yet. I owe you a great debt. Sincerely, Betty.

“Open one of yours, Junior!”

“Okay, here’s a neat one with Ninja Turtles on the outside. Thank you for cutting my grass this summer. I had the prettiest yard in the city because of your good work. See you soon, Mr. Peebles.

“See, Sam, I told you he appreciated you and your diligence. People notice, son. You may not think so, but they do.”

“Now, I know we have more notes to open, but who wants turkey and dressing?”

“And cranberries!”

…..

“Sam, as the eldest, would you please do the honors and say a blessing for us?”

…..

“Amen.”

“Thank you, Sam.”

“No, thank you, Mom.”

“Whatever for, son?”

“I want to thank you and Dad for teaching us the reason for the season. The meaning of Thanksgiving.”

“Yeah!” the twins chimed in. “This is the most awesome turkey day ever!”

“Yeah!”

“Here, now who’s ready for pumpkin pie?”

Thank you, God, for gifting me with my children and grandchildren, and for the life I am blessed to lead.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

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