“Woah, ah, mercy, mercy me
Ah, things ain’t what they used to be.” Marvin Gaye
I have another podcast that I want you to know about in this week’s column, but first I have a few questions to ask you. Better yet, I want you to ask them of yourself as you read this and think about it today. We have been talking a lot, a lot, about the COVID-19 pandemic and how it has affected us physically and now mentally as we struggle to find the finish line of this biological disaster. Many of my family, friends, colleagues and patients have been dealing with issues of isolation, depression, anxiety and stress for well over a year, and the dilemmas that have come up have not been easy to resolve.The questions I have for you?
Has the pandemic made you reevaluate your associations and friendships with others?
Do you find that you have been carrying grudges based on old wounds that now feel just a bit trivial in the shadow of six hundred thousand deaths?
Do you struggle, amid the pandemic, with wanting to unburden yourself of hurt and anger but somehow find it easier just to keep carrying them after all these years?
The podcast suggestion I have for you this week is Hidden Brain, hosted by Shankar Vedantam. This is a wonderfully rich podcast that takes deep dives into emotions, motivation, relationships, stress, coping and everything in between. On a recent episode, Shankar welcomed Charlotte Witvliet, a psychologist at Hope College in Michigan. They had an in-depth discussion about grudges, holding them, dealing with them, letting them go, and the emotional stress and strain involved in all of that.
Dr. W, if I may be so bold, started out by telling us that we often go about our lives with a detailed ledger of all the wrongs that have ever been done to us, all the betrayals and hurts that we keep meticulous records of. Our anger over these can fester and grow stronger with time, not fade as we might think. It can feel both good and bad to hold a grudge. It is sometimes easier to keep it and nurture it than it is to let it go once and for all. Grudges, she says, may take the edge off of our profound sadness, and help us feel that we have a tiny bit more control over our emotions and lives.
We may always be on the lookout for clues that justify why we feel the way we do, clues that feed our anger. We sometimes dismiss things that might get us out of our destructive loop and actually make our lives better. Sound familiar as we navigate the treacherous waters of this pandemic? As we get more inflexible in our responses to a pandemic or an old grudge, we tend to get stuck in a do loop of bad behavior and anger that brings us further down. This rumination on negative emotions can actually affect us physically, according to Dr. W, in that our blood pressure rises, our heart rate increases, and our beat to beat variability ( a measure of healthy heart function) may be off as well.
Have you noticed that your response to that old friend or even a new acquaintance may sometimes be out of proportion to the thing that they said or did that set you off in the first place? Dr. Witvliet says that focusing on the humanity of the person, the fact that they are a person just like you, with a story, stress of their own, and their own baggage, may help you deal with them in a more positive way. The interesting thing about this to me was that even if you cannot completely give up the thoughts and hurts that might haunt you, if you truly try to understand the person that offended you and truly try to forgive and show mercy, your actual physical response will be very real, in a very positive way. She goes one step further (and you may or may not agree with her here) and says, “Forgiveness is a moral response to a relational breech.”
Now, you might tell me that in your case, you can just distract yourself with other thoughts, other activities, other pressing issues and that the grudge is dealt with in that way. You might be right to some superficial degree, but real forgiveness trumps distraction every time, says Dr. W. The real physical effects that I mentioned above, such as lowering your blood pressure, tend to be much more long lasting if the forgiveness, the grace, and the mercy are sincere and real.
Forgiveness is a process, says Dr. Witvliet, a journey. It unfolds over time. It’s like grief in that way, in that it is not a linear, A to Z process, but more a series of rolling waves. We have all had deep hurts from losses. All of us. That’s being human. Where we fool ourselves sometimes is that we tend toward decisional forgiveness, which is based mostly on our cognition, instead of the truer emotional forgiveness which involves a change of heart. The psychologist says that the two are not equal.
The trick to dealing with these relationships that you are struggling with now that things are opening back up? The way to deal with the hurt, the anger and the wounds that have been allowed to fester for over sixteen months now? Generate positive, empathetic responses to other people, says Dr. Witvliet. Empathy is key. Think about the gift of grace, forgiveness and mercy that you can give that person, and then think how wonderful it would feel to receive that kind of gift. Commit to giving the positive, not committing the negative again.
The hardest relationship, hurt, offense or slight to deal with? One that is truly targeted, evil, or destructive. These kinds of hurts are not just subjective or a matter of having our feelings hurt, muses Dr. W. They are objectively terrible wrongs that are terribly hard to forgive. One example that hits close to home for us in South Carolina? The shooting of nine innocent churchgoers at Mother Emmanuel AME Church in Charleston, South Carolina. The tragedy that occurred there that day was unspeakable, but the responses from the families of the victims, a commingling of grief, sadness, anger and profound love and forgiveness towards the shooter, was almost unimaginable. But, as many of you might know more than I, it was about as real as it gets.
So, back to my questions. In this time of reentry into the almost normal of a post pandemic life, are you struggling with relationships, grudges, long ago hurts and injuries, or the inability to let destructive issues in your own life go? Were these magnified or made center stage by the isolation and stress of lockdown, working at home, more time with your family or wearing multiple hats between work and home and schooling your kids? Do you harbor and carry those heavy grudges towards someone and wish you could unburden yourself? As the psychologist in this podcast episode about the power of mercy instructed us, thinking about the humanity of the transgressor, truly forgiving them, and approaching the coming days with positivity and creativity will surely help you to experience less anger, stress and physical ills than you ever did before. Find this episode, listen to it, and ponder. You will be glad that you did.