So Much Is In The Doing

My wife and I both work in service industries. We both do a lot of listening. She is a flight attendant who travels all over the world, walking up and down the aisles of Boeing and Airbus airplanes at forty thousand feet, listening to stories and responding to requests. I am a psychiatrist who is usually found sitting behind a desk, tapping away on a laptop, listening to stories and responding to requests. We have have many conversations about how people interact with each other, how they talk, how they ask questions, how they respond to demands and rules, and especially how they function under stress. I know you have seen the various YouTube videos of enraged, unruly passengers who have attacked cabin crew members over issues of mask wearing or alcohol consumption or some such. My wife has never been on the receiving end of one of those attacks, thank goodness, but she is aware of the possibilities every time she signs in for a flight. I have been hit twice and lunged at several other times but never seriously injured while doing my job. We do realize, as I am sure you do, that the last eighteen months has brought out the best and the worst in all of us, and part of that is the lack of attention to the social graces and the simple interactions and courtesies that we once paid each other as a matter of course.

In her recent 8-14-21 article “COVID Anxiety and Fear of the Base”, Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan addressed some of this. Now, my own column is not political, so some of her writings in the beginning of her piece are beyond the scope of what I want to discuss with you. However, she does start out by stating that people now have mask fatigue and other associated side effects of living through the first serious global pandemic in a century, and that issues such as mask wearing are pushing people to pick a side. Moderation, which in my book went hand in hand with politeness and social grace and simple courtesy, has now become only “for the gutless and insincere”. My wife and I have both noticed, in our very different but very similar worlds, that moderation, patience, respect, and tact have all become signs of weakness. As Noonan put it in her piece, “nothing has been so damaged by the pandemic as what had remained of American tact”. We pick sides of an issue or an action, then demonize and vilify those with different opinions. Noonan suggests that we “make a decision, then encourage, persuade and and exemplify helpful behavior” to win over our fellows who may have opposing views. We all tend to talk and rage against one another, but she says that instead of emphasizing the verbosity, “so much is in the doing, especially in a crisis”. Why are we this way? We are tired. Very tired. We are irritable, and we are much less confident than we were even a year ago because we simply do not know what is coming at us next. We cannot predict the future of this pandemic, and that now makes us gun shy about predicting anything that has meaning in our lives.

Now all politics and divisions aside, the part of her column that I liked the most was the part where she asked, “What rules of the road might help us…….what general attributes?”

First, she challenged us to “regain a sense of give”. We should stop pushing each other around. We should strive to have a generous and sympathetic sense of who our fellow Americans are. Those people that you so vehemently disagree with? Have you ever thought, asks Noonan, that they might be thinking about things that had not even occurred to you? We should be patient. I am always looking for signposts in my own life and work. Two recent events assured me that patience was a virtue that I sorely needed to pay attention to. First when my seven year old granddaughter stayed with us for five days, we learned that operating on her schedule and living life with her level of energetic intensity requires planning, stamina, and yes, patience! The other was when a patient told me the story of living with an incurable and potentially fatal disease, while caring for an elderly relative with their own serious health issues, and how this had lead to a major upheaval in schedules, vigor, and enjoyment of life that was not as it used to be, but as it now was.

Second, Noonan challenges us to stop picking on each other. Does it help to ostracize others? To demean or fight or assault? No. Once again she asks us to empathize, teach, educate, and lead by example. Third, we should admit that there most likely reasons that people do not trust the experts. (This could hold for virologists, and psychiatrists and flight attendants too, I suppose!) If you are ever in a position where you are the designated expert, and believe me, almost anyone who reads my column is more than likely in that camp at some point, play it straight, says Noonan. If you don’t know, say you don’t know. (It took me years after I finished medical school to get comfortable with this very simple but extremely difficult act) Do you like your fellow Americans? Are they “other”, “imbeciles”, or dare I stray into the political quicksand and use the term “deplorables” to you? Or are we all Americans, with different ideas and beliefs and values, and through our differences, embody e pluribus unum? Noonan tells us that if we do not like and respect each other, no matter how hard we try to hide it, “nothing is more obvious than a lack of affection”.

Lastly, she says we must “adjust our sense of proportion”. Put quite succinctly, “COVID now is part of life; it’s not life.” There are so many pressing issues in the world right now, war and famine, and climate change and heart disease and cancer and poverty and mental illness and we focus just on this pandemic and lose sight of all the others at our own peril. We will be dealing with emotional stress of these times for the foreseeable future. Life is hard. Illness is hard. But as the WSJ column concluded, “Life has to be lived.”

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